had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
