i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Randomize
