I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
