So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
