I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
