I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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