Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
