you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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