I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
