He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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