So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
