i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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