party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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