just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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