Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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