The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
