***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
