You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
