Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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