you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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