when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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