there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
