I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
