it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
