I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
