the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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