Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize