When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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