You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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