Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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