then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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