She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
