I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
