Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
