The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
