I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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