Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
