just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
