he laminated a picture of his dick.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
