Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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