Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
