Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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