So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Operation Purity has been aborted
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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