based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
