if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
