I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I woke up under a house in Key West
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