I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
