I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
In America we eat man semen.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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