she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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