2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Damn victory sex feels great
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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