im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
