wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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