I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
