she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
