I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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