trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
