Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
