Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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