Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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