why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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