I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
